My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
