Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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