and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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