the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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