Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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