I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
