In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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