I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
