i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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