So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
