Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
