Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They have beer where we have blood.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
