I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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