my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
FUCK WHALES
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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