Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
