i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize