my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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