im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
