I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
