chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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