I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Sext me about skeletons
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
