I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
