How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
