i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
