you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
