hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
