he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
