woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
