with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
