I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
