My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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