life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
