I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
