hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
