I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
