it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
