I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
