Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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