at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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