I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
