i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
