Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
