I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
