Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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