just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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