My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
