it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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