There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
