Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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