dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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