Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
