It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
