My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
