smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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