Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
