Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize