the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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