when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
