Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
