i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
