nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
we have officially lost it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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